Repurposing Myself

At the beginning of 2012 I gave myself a word for the year. The word I came up with was FOCUS. My goal was/is to be a better wife, mother, and example to my children.  By changing the things I don't like about myself, I can repurpose myself into the woman I want to be.  To be more purpose driven, I decided to pick areas that I feel I want to see the biggest change.

F - Faith & Family

O - Organization

C - Children

U - Unclutter

S - Scripture & School

I've set out to change these specific areas of my life to be a better example to my children. I don't feel like I'm terrible at these things, but I do feel we can all grow and change for the better. Some of this (mostly the unclutter & organize categories) will be the biggest challenge for me.  For those that don't know our family grew quickly, and in 8 years I went from being a mother of 1 to being a mother of 6. I let my organization slip because of lack of sleep and energy.

So, I'm beginning a new chapter of mothering the way God wants me to, so I can be an example that my daughters can some day look up to. I've decided to try to find time to blog again so that I can journal my progress.

My Conversation With God

God has given me words of encouragement and spoken to me through different people, or scriptures, over the years.  There are even times I just know He has spoken to me even though I didn't hear His voice.  I can only count on one hand the number of times where I actually heard His audible voice like He was right there next to me.  I haven't shared this story with many people, but it has been weighing on my heart that someone may need to hear it.

In March of 2003 I gave birth to my 3rd child.  She was called a "toehead" more times than I can count.  But by the time she was 4 months old we started to realize it was something more.  Soon after she was diagnosed with albinism, which is a genetic condition where you have little or no pigment in your eyes, skin, or hair. 

My disclaimer - While most people know the term "albino" I have a hard time with this word.  This is my own personal opinion but, I feel, 'albinism' refers to the condition, whereas 'albino' refers to the person.  She's my daughter first, not an albino.  Ok, back to my story.....

Within that first year, I had a dream that God healed her.  I know, without a doubt, that someday He will.  Until then I pray, and wait.  I'm learning as I go, but on one specific occasion God left me speachless.  To this day I'm still speachless when I think of the conversation I had with Him.

I don't remember exactly how old my daughter was, but I think she was about 1 1/2 (so this was about 6 years ago).  I remember sitting at my kitchen table praying, crying out to God to heal her.  I wanted her to be able to see the deer in our backyard, or the butterflies, or any number of other things she can't see.  Part of the conversation left me awestruck, and I still remember the words exactly. 

This is what I told God.....

"You don't understand!  A mother just wants to make things better for their children!"

To which God responded.....

"She's mine too, and I know what I'm doing."

My jaw about fell to the ground. My heart started to race.  I didn't have any response.  I was speachless.  My heart still races when I think of that short, but direct conversation.  My heart still breaks, and I could still cry, over the things she can't see.  But I now have a peace about it that I didn't have that first year.  I don't know why I never thought of her as HIS daughter too.  Never dawned on me that He had a plan in all this.  That He might actually use her/this as a testimony.  So I wait.  And I still pray.  But I believe God's plan is so much greater than I can even fathom. 

As 2010 comes to a close, I have been looking back over the past year and all that has happened.  My life has changed and I am learning to listen to God and follow the path He has for me.  Here is a small recap of why I have disappeared much more than I wanted to this year.

• In Feb. I gave birth to another beautiful little girl.
• Now that I had a 2 year old and an infant, we struggled to finish out our school year.
• I "broke" my 2 year old of her pacifier addiction. (what a nightmare!!!)
• My new little girl does not like to sleep.
• We took a much needed vacation this summer.
• I officially opened my own crochet pattern business. It has consumed much of my time trying to get all my patterns in pdf format so I can sell them. (If I had listened to God I would have done it MANY years ago! But that's another blog story) If you crochet you can check it out at http://www.ambassadorcrochet.com/

Not great excuses, but all consumers of my time.  As this year comes to a close I am at the realization that next year will bring it's own set of changes.  There were so many things I wanted to blog about this year, but just couldn't sit down to get them typed up.  Now I feel God leading me in a completely different direction.  I have a couple of topics I feel led to blog about.  The first being my 2 children who were born with low vision.  I feel God wants me to share what I have learned, and what He has shown and taught me through this journey.  I look forward to a new beginning in 2011.

~Kristine

Back to Basics

Back to Basics . . . .
That's what God spoke to me over a year ago.  I had no idea what it meant, but I suspected things were about to change.  My husband had been wanting to downsize our "things" and I assumed this had something to do with that.  Then, over the course of time, I realized God had something more for me.  He told me change was coming.  Again, I had no idea where that would lead.

This would take way to long to read if I gave you all the details, but let me sum up the past year:

• God told me some friendships would be changing, and they did. I lost a couple key friends.
• God told me to step down from the bible study at our church and our MOPS group.
• I found out I was pregnant (I now have a 6 month old:)
• God told me it was time to step out and try something new with my homeschooling.

I'm still not sure why those friends have been removed, but hopefully someday I will understand.  As for the rest of the list...  They may not seem like a huge deal, but to me they were.  Why would God tell me not to do a bible study??? And, I had no idea how hard it would be to finish out last years school year with a 2 year old and an infant. (some days I didn't think we'd ever finish).

So, when he told me to step out and try something new, with regards to homeschooling the girls, I panicked.  Other than being extra busy with the little ones, I didn't see anything wrong with the curriculum I have been using all along.  Plus, why fix it if it isn't broke? Right?!?!  I didn't do anything at first, mostly because I didn't want to choose the wrong curriculum, but I knew I needed to obey God.  I knew the pull that I felt wouldn't go away until I took that first step.  For those of you who may be hesitating....take that first step!  I felt such a relief when I did.  And after I took the first step, the second one was a little bit easier, and the third even easier than the first two. 

I am now confident that I am exactly where God was leading me.  I have rearranged our home school schedule so that I will have more time with the little ones.  (I'll get into how I consolidated things in the next few days.)

Here's where God's Back to Basics worked into the picture.  Two of my girls have been asking me, for a very long time, to teach them cooking and sewing.  If I hadn't stepped out in faith, I would have ended up with another school year of 'too much work and not enough time' to teach them basic life skills that they are wanting to learn.   I'm excited for what this year will bring.  I'm sure God has even more for us, now that I've stepped out in faith.

Ten Rules for Happier Living

I read this in a book this morning and thought we could all use a little reminder.  Sometimes it's the littlest things that will bring us the greatest joy.

10 Rules for Happier Living

1. Give something away - no strings attached.
2. Do a kindness - and forget it.
3. Spend a few minutes with the aged - their experience is priceless guidance.
4. Look intently into the face of a baby - and marvel.
5. Laugh often - it's life's lubricant.
6. Give thanks - a thousand times a day is not enough.
7. Pray - or you will lose the way.
8. Work - with vim and vigor.
9. Plan as though you'll live forever - because you will.
10. Live as though you'll die tomorrow - because you will, on some tomorrow.

~Kristine

A Struggling Reader

This little girl has definately had her struggles.  From birth she didn't sleep more than 4-5 hours in a 24 hours period. (We survived 1 1/2 years of that). She has done everything 'late' from walking at 18 months to not saying a word until after she turned 3 years old.  She does not like change to the point where she shows signs of mild anxiety when something changes.

And, did I mention she's very strong willed?  My hubby used to joke and say there's no way she got it from him, it had to be passed down from me.  I've decided it must be a combination of the both of us put together, because she's got me beat by a long shot. LOL.  When you combine these 2 things......watch out!

She started out the school year very gung-ho. After all, she has two older sisters whom she watches.  She's a slower learner than the other two so it's taking her a while to catch on to things, but she's getting them.  I'm ok with that, but it has not been easy for her.  She is struggling to grasp the concept of phonics.  Letters and sounds are fine, but putting them together isn't working for her.  On days like today, when that strong will kicks in, we battle.  Not because she needs to learn it right now.  I fully believe she'll get it with time and practice.  I just want her to try.  It's the effort I care about, not how fast we make progress.  On days like today, it's the stubborness that drives me nuts!  She decided she didn't want to try to sound out a word and down-right refused, to the point where she wouldn't even tell me what a specific letter sound made.  Some days I just can't tell whether she can't do it or she won't do it.  I've only had one other day as hard as this one.  I told her she wasn't getting up until she at least tried and gave it an effort.  (If you ever try this - it won't work if you're frustrated - then they just get frustrated). I left her there to think about it while I worked with the other girls. She sat there adamant that she wasn't going to do it for at least an hour. Then, out of the clear blue, she told me what the word was, and asked if she could be done for the day. ugh!  Needless to say I was glad she could read the word without help, but my suspisions were right. Today it wasn't that she couldn't do it - she just wouldn't do it. I'm glad I didn't 'lose my temper' or get frustrated. That would have only made it worse.  Praying tomorrow is a better day with a fresh perspective.

Battling Fear

I'm not one who battles fear normally.  I usually think of myself as pretty calm and rational.  But from the moment I found out I was pregnant again I have been fighting this fear of labor and delivery.  For the most part, I have very uneventful pregnancies but the deliveries are the opposite.  Most people don't know that I struggle with this, and I don't say anything, but this fear is very real.  I have been feeling the need to blog about it.....so maybe I'm not alone after all. 

Out of the 5 deliveries I've had, only one was 'normal'. The other 4 had complications, each one with a different issue. Unfortunately, my deliveries seem to get harder the more I have, so the thought of having another one has been scary for me.  Very early on in this pregnancy I told my doctor "I just want to be a statistic." She looked at me funny. Then I explained myself.  Statistics have shown that the more children a woman has, the early she goes into labor and the quicker her labors are.  I have defied those odds with all of mine.  She said that I needed to tell myself over and over, (and I quote) "Say 'I am average' and then believe it."  I took those words to heart that day and have repeated it over and over. 

Then a friend suggested I read the book "HypnoBirthing".  I'm not into hypnosis (and told her that) but she said there were a lot of good suggestions in the book. I decided to read the book. I would take from it what I could and leave the rest.  By page 3 I knew exactly why I was supposed to read the book.  Fear creates stress and tension. When you have stress and/or tension it is counterproductive to your contractions and will actually slow your labor down.  (Put aside the 'problems' I've had, I've also had very long labors).  I'm still working on it, but from that point on I started to feel some relief about my upcoming delivery.

Today I got home from my dr. appt. and really felt like I was supposed to open the Bible and read something. I picked it up and opened it.  What I was looking for was in Proverbs but as the Bible opened I looked down.  God wanted me to see something else.....The very first thing my eyes saw were:

"The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid." 

Psalm 118: 6 

From this moment on I'm going to keep reciting that over and over to myself.  I'm planning on God doing something amazing.  I have some great testimonies from this pregnancy already and I can't wait to see the testimony that comes from putting my trust in Him.

At the End of the Day

This is a year full of excitement for my family.  But it has also brought some challenges and struggles, and we're only 2 weeks into the new year.  I have recently been struggling over things that are being said about me - most recently on facebook.  I want so bad to defend myself, defend my family.  There are two sides to every story (always remember this).  But, that's not what God has in mind.  He told me to be silent.  Ugh...not really what I wanted to hear :).  For me that's easier said than done.  As I type this I could cry over this whole situation.  But, it's at times like these (when I'm on the verge of tears) that I'm reminded of Jesus, and all those who betrayed Him, all at the same time.  I can't even imagine.  

So, I prayed some more.  I over and over heard God tell me to be the silent one.  And then, I heard Him tell me that, I had to defend my actions to noone other than HIM.  We are not perfect - after all, we are human - but we are forgiven.  If my actions and motives are right, in the sight of God, then what else really matters.  At the end of the day, at the end of my life, He will judge me, and the ONLY one I am accountable to is HIM.

If you are struggling with judgement, like I am, take heart. Jesus knows what it feels like and He did it for us. As much as I believe what God has spoken to me, and know it will be ok, it stills brings so much pain. So, I'll keep praying he replaces my tears with joy.

Princess Smiles turns 8

My baby girl (well, she's not so baby anymore) turns 8 today. I was remembering a conversation I had with her when she was about 4 or 5 years old. She was telling me how her favorite princess was Princess Jasmine (from Aladdin). At the time I cringed. "Great" I thought. "She has to pick the half dressed, rebellious one, to be her favorite". I tried to stay calm, after all she was only about 4, right!?!? I wanted to try to convince her that there were better princesses she could have as her 'role model'. But instead, I asked her, "Why is Jasmine your favorite?" She very plainly exclaimed, "Because she's always smiling!" I hope I never forget that conversation. Her beauty wasn't important, her smile was. It showed me that my little girl saw what was truly important.

As I reflect back on that conversation it makes me think. Can I be like my daughter? Or, can I not see the beauty on the inside because I'm too busy seeing what's on the outside? I have learned a lot from my children. Maybe there was more to this lesson than I first realized all those year ago.

New Year's Resolutions

I've always believed New Year's resolutions were a waste. Most people don't follow through with them (in my opinion), and therefore, why bother. I always just thought, "If you want to do something....do it now, today, don't wait for a new year". But I've recently begun to think differently. A new year can mean a fresh start, especially if the previous year was a difficult one. For some, the new year can be a time to refresh your thoughts, your mind, and your determination.

Websters defines resolution as the following.....a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something. The keywords in that definition are "determination" & "firm". Without the determination we are almost guaranteed to fail (I said almost....some may not).

Last year was a year of listening for me. I knew God was telling me change was coming. Change in friendships, change in home life, change in myself, & more. I know God is faithful, but I struggled. The loss of a couple key friendships, that I thought of as blessings, broke my heart more than those friends will ever know. But I knew I was on the path God wanted me on, and for that reason alone I continued on.

Then, as new years came upon us, my husband and I were talking about 'resolutions' and what the new year would bring for us. When I told him what I wanted to change about myself (I want to be a better wife, a better mother, have more patience), he told me not to 'beat myself up'. But I had to reassure him. These are the areas God wants me to work on.

So, as I begin this new year, I do have resolutions. But those resolutions are more about my determination to follow God's lead and do the best I can. If I stumble along the way. that doesn't necessarily mean I have failed. It means I need to stand firm and have the determination to try again.

I encourage you to have the determination to follow through with whatever your resolutions may be. Don't consider yourself a failure if you stumble or fall. Just pick yourself up & try again.

Changing Seasons

After being without our computer for more than 2 weeks I've had some extra time to pray, contemplate, and look into some new ventures. I had been considering changing curriculums for one of our daughters who has low vision. In talking with a friend (thanks Kimmie) and doing some serious praying I've been looking into changing our curriculum for all the girls. The hard part for me is to change mid-year. In my mind - I like to prepare things ahead of time - it makes more sense to start fresh with something new. But as I seek out our options I don't think God wants me to wait another year. So I continue to pray and seek His guidance, so I can be where he wants me to be. It feels like life is changing with the seasons. I pray God makes our home as beautiful as the New England colors outside my window.

Learning from our Mistakes

I have always believed - and even shared with my children - that "mistakes are ok as long as you learn from them". If you don't learn then why or what needs to change for you to learn from the mistake? It always seemed like a fairly easy lesson to teach my children. Then our youngest entered the picture.

She is a joy, a blessing, and a delight........but sometimes she's far from easy. I'll give you a little background. She's been walking since she was 8 months old and it opened up a whole word of things to get into. I know this sounds normal, but for us it feels a little extreme. All our other children were quiet, compliant, and yes, even easy. I call her "Joy" - that's what she brings with her. Joy also tests my limits. She's a climber.......climbs on couches, up bunk bed ladders, tables, and more. No matter how many times she's told 'no' and removed from the object she's scaling she will jump right back at it in no time flat. Almost 2 weeks ago she was sitting at the kitchen table with one of her older sisters. I thought they were coloring nicely until I heard the bang. She decided to try to reach across the table for something and her foot slipped of the table bench. When she fell she hit the kitchen chair before the floor. She actually broke her collar bone (remember she's only 17 months old). Since that happened 12 days ago (but who's counting) she has fallen from the same bench 3 more times - one of those times actually landing on her bad arm. I'm just wondering when she's going to learn from this? I'm so glad she brings us joy......when she's not climbing of course :).

New Beginnings

I have felt for some time that God has been leading me in a new direction. Just some of the things I have felt God nudging me to do are:

• I have known for quite some time that it was time for me to take a step back from some of the responsibilities I had committed myself to.
• It is time to reorganize my house and do some cleaning out - so to speak.
• I have also felt as if I will be reaching out and making new friends. (This is a stretch for me because I am quiet until I get to know someone).
• Have a new focus for my household. (Ex: more responsibility for the kids, more focus for me so I stick to a schedule, etc...)

It was amazing to me that once I made the committment to following this path God was taking me down everything started to fall into place. I will be updating and letting you know about all that is happening soon enough, but I just want to encourage you that God may not give you the answers you are looking for until you agree to his wishes without questions. One thing I learned through this - and I'm glad it didn't take me too long to figure it out - is that God will be patient with us until we 'get it', so to speak. I look forward to sharing more with you in the week(s) to come.

Memorable Moments in Homeschooling

Last week was a very busy week. I had numerous committments and tried very hard not to let them interfere with our schooling. I think I took multi-tasking to a new level and tried to do "my things" while trying to teach the girls. On one of these particularly crazy days my 1st grader was waiting very patiently - as patiently as a 6 year old can be - for my help. When I came to help her she was sound asleep on her school book. It was at that moment I realized I needed to slow down - and maybe just take a nap with her :). It amazes me how much we can learn from our children - if we are willing to learn.